Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
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