Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
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Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
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I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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