I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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