I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
