i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
