I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
