Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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