New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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