Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
