and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
