Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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