After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
