Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Randomize
