everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
this just has baby written all over it
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
