I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
