exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
