he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
