She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
