I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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