okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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