Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
