New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
