Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
