Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
