i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
