Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
