My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
