I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
