we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
