How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Watching her eat just hurts me
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
