tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
