I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
