Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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