the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
