omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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