How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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