I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
