New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
