i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
