I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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