I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
