I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
