We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
