In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We had sex on a dog bed..
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
