If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
