I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
