You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
