I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
