Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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