Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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