Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
