In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
