Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
