my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
