So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
