Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
