I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
