Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
